Price reduced (originally 16,500)! Let's just bypass the "negotiation phase". I want to give the bike a nice home, I'm not looking to make any money off this, so I just cut this down to what I need to sell it for, rather than what I WANT to sell it for :)

There comes a time in a man's life when he has to look in the mirror and speak to himself with honesty. Instead, I'm doing it on Chopper Exchange.

I am placing my 2012 Road King up for sale. It has some cool features that I'm sure you'll like, so let's get down to the fun details (if you want the details without the fun, go to the bottom of this ad for boring bullet points).

The big question: Why am I selling this bike?

Because what I have done to this bike is downright criminal.

No, I didn't drop it, paint it pink, or slap ghetto lights all over it. No, sir, my crime was worse:

I didn't ride it.

Now, before you go judging me, hear me out. Just as the road to hell is paved, so my purchase was done with good intentions. I did all the right things. Joined the Harley Owner's Group, went on a couple of rides, did the socialization thing. I loved it. But something was missing: My wife. Sure, some of you like wind therapy more than snuggle therapy, but I guess it just wasn't for me. I could never convince her to get on my bike either, since she had been traumatized 20 years ago because some truck converted her friend, her friend's boyfriend, and a motorcycle into itty-bitty chunks. Some folks don't get over those things, and I don't force my wife to do things she doesn't want to (not since the whole "Just the tip" incident of 2002).

So my bike sits in my garage, gently weeping. The odometer currently rests at 1520 miles. After over two years of ownership, that pretty much borders on "motorcycle neglect." A pity, too, because I had a few things done to it that turned the bike from a Road King into….wait for it…..a ROAD EMPEROR (some marketing guy suggested that name, don't blame me).

First, I replaced the annoyingly-low RK handlebars with Heritage bars (factory installed), which puts my arms up at a nice height. Don't like it? I kept the original handlebars -- feel free to put 'em back on. However, you'll miss out on the nice Kuyrakyn IsoGrips, which yield the kind of supple innocence on your hands that would make Michael Jackson weep in joy.

I didn't stop there. My crappy middle-aged eyes needed an easier way to read the speedometer at night, so I had the H-D dealer install a Combination Analog Speedometer/Tachometer from Harley-Davidson. You can adjust the LED lighting in a nearly infinite set of combinations, turning your ordinary speedometer into a glowing electrical sex magnet. Truth in advertising: I can't offer a money back guarantee on the sex part, but it definitely glows.

With comfortable handlebars and a speedo/tach that I could read, there was just one thing left that I needed to do: Piss off my neighbors.

The owner at Shamrock Motorcycles was kind enough to suggest a nice pipe/intake system that was not only sure to arouse fear and envy in my neighborhood, it was certain to make people think that I was no longer a middle-aged geezer. Ok, I think all it did was make people angry, but I LOVED the sound and the performance of this newly dyna-tuned bike, with the Screamin Eagle Ventilator intake and the Vance & Hines 2-into-2 Big Radius pipes. If you're a believer in "Loud Pipes Save Lives," then this thing is a Guardian Angel incarnate! (Don't like the pipes? No worries, this bike will come with the factory pipes, but you have to put 'em on yourself)

To top it off, I had it wired to support a battery tender, which will also come with the bike.

But wait, there's more! If you act now, I will also throw in a heavy duty Dee Zee Harley-Davidson bed/garage mat.

Will it help if I told you there's about 9 more months left on the extended warranty?

All this for $16,500 (or some other price that will make us both happy)

Honestly, I don't want to sell this bike, but more-honestly, I'll probably die of old age before the odometer hits 5K; I work full-time and also run a part time business, so it's not like I have a lot of spare time in the first place. I want to find a new owner for this bike, one that will ride it properly and scare neighbors and make women's knees weak as they feel the thunder of this majestic cruiser. Is that too much to ask?

And for those of you that just went straight to the bottom of the ad:

2012 FLHR Road King, 103 cu in engine

1520 miles

Heritage handlebars (factory installed)

Kuryakyn IsoGrips

Screamin Eagle "Ventilator" Intake

Vance&Hines 2-into-2 Big Radius Exhaust

Dyna tuned with tuning key fob

Battery tender hookup with battery tender

12V connector

Harley-Davidson heavy duty bed/garage mat

Extended warranty until June 2015

$13,800